Prognosis: Romance Page 19

  To her family’s expressed satisfaction, she’d gotten her appetite back during the holiday season and had regained a couple of the pounds she’d lost in October and early November. She knew she looked healthier and happier. They would never know the effort it had taken for her to get to that point.

  Christmas had passed in a blur of work, parties, rowdy family gatherings and preparations for the new business year. She’d been entirely too busy to spend much time brooding about…about any personal issues, she amended quickly, not wanting to set off thoughts of anyone in particular. Now, at the end of the second week of January, her schedule was slowing enough that she had to make a special effort not to dwell on how much she still missed that one person she tried not to think about.

  Shouldn’t the ache have eased by now? Since she was the one to have called it quits, should she really be this empty and disappointed? It hadn’t been at all like this after she’d broken up with Philip. All she’d felt then was a mixture of relief and chagrin that it had taken her so long to act. She hadn’t been haunted by her memories of him. Hadn’t wondered where he was or who he was with. Hadn’t found herself hoping he was happy and yet secretly wishing he was miserable without her.

  She was doing fine, she told herself in a little pep talk that was by now very well rehearsed. She was quite content to be on her own, savoring the independence that meant so much to her. If, eventually, she met someone who could share her life without overshadowing her, that would be lovely. Someone who could appreciate her accomplishments while celebrating his own. Someone who offered advice but didn’t get offended when she decided not to follow it, and who occasionally asked advice from her in return, acknowledging her own competence and intelligence. Someone who shared his feelings with her—his hopes, his dreams, his fears and sorrows—and provided a sympathetic ear for hers.

  It would have been absolutely perfect, she thought wistfully, if James had proved to be that person.

  She was almost finished with her reheated meal when someone rang her doorbell. Startled by the sound, she glanced at the clock displayed on the microwave. Just after 8:00 p.m. Devin wouldn’t be home from work for another eleven hours and Shannon wasn’t expecting anyone else to drop by tonight. It had to be someone from her family, she decided, moving toward the door. No one else she knew would just show up like this without calling first. She hoped nothing was wrong.

  A dozen unnerving possibilities—several of them involving her nephew Kyle—swirled through her head when she peeked cautiously through the curtain to see who pressed the doorbell for a second time. The one possibility she had not even considered was that she would see James Stillman standing on her front step.

  The curtain dropped from her suddenly nerveless fingers. Her mouth went dry, making her wonder if she could speak coherently even if she managed to open the door. Drawing a deep, unsteady breath, she ordered herself to get a grip.

  She pushed a hand quickly through her hair before turning the lock, deciding there was nothing she could do about her slightly crumpled work clothes of white shirt and khakis. Pasting on a faint, politely curious smile, she opened the door. “James. This is a surprise.”

  His appearance hadn’t changed at all in the past ten weeks and three days since she’d last seen him. Not that she’d been counting. And not that there was any reason he should look any different, she added with a mental wince at her own foolishness.

  His dark eyes searched her face. “I should have called first.”

  “That would have been nice,” she agreed lightly, “but as it happens, I’ve got a few free minutes. Come in.”

  “Thank you.” He carried a small, plain brown shopping bag in one hand, but he made no reference to it when he stood in the middle of the living room, looking uncharacteristically ill at ease. “How have you been, Shannon?”

  “Busy. You know—the holiday season. Crazy.”

  He nodded, apparently following the disjointed response without much effort. “I’ve been out of town the past week. Combined some interviews on the east coast—New York, Boston, Baltimore. Someone showed me the newspaper article about your business this afternoon. I wanted to tell you I saw it and that it was great. Should be a big boost for Kid Capers.”

  That was why he’d come? Because a random newspaper article had reminded him of her? “Yes, I’ve gotten several calls as a result of the free publicity.”

  “You looked very nice in the picture. The kids seemed to be having a great time.”

  She nodded. “I was proud of the way it all turned out.”

  “You should be. I know how hard you work to make those parties look effortless.”

  There were few compliments he could have given that would have pleased her more. “Thanks. That’s exactly what I hope to accomplish.”

  She motioned toward the couch. “Would you like to sit down? Can I get you anything?”

  Maybe he really had come by just as a friendly gesture. After all, she was the one who had expressed a desire to remain friends. She’d even suggested they could get together sometime for dinner or something, hadn’t she? Of course, she hadn’t expected him to actually take her up on it. Nor for him to show up unannounced at her doorstep after he’d left in such umbrage the last time she’d seen him.

  He glanced at the couch, but made no move toward it. “I won’t stay long. I’m sure you have things to do. I just wanted to tell you I saw the article and I’m very proud of what you’ve accomplished. And to give you this, if you’ll accept it,” he added, offering the small bag.

  Mystified as to what she would find, she took the bag and dug into the tissue wrapping. Her heart clenched when she lifted out the gift.

  She remembered this scarf. Remembered the way his hands had felt on her shoulders when he’d wrapped it around her, the way he had smiled when she stroked her own hands appreciatively down the colorful fabric that had been woven on a loom in Ecuador. “It’s the one we saw in the River Market store.”

  “Yes. I bought it for you the next day because you seemed to like it, but the time never seemed quite right to offer it. I…well, this probably isn’t the right time, either, but I wanted you to have it. Call it a congratulations on your business success, if you like.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Just say you like it,” he suggested gently. “It’s too late for me to take it back now and it really doesn’t match any of my clothes.”

  She forced a smile, deciding it would be ungracious to refuse the gift. Her fingers buried tightly in the fabric, she spoke a bit huskily, “I like it very much. Thank you, James.”

  She would keep the scarf as a memento of the time they had spent together, she told herself. She suspected there would always be both pleasure and pain when she looked at it.

  She thought he saw a flicker of relief in his expression when he nodded. “You’re welcome. I’ll go now, I just wanted to…”

  “Wait.” She spoke quickly to stop him as he moved toward the door. “I…how did your interviews go?”

  It was a lame attempt at stalling him, but she couldn’t bear to let him leave just yet. She wanted just a few more minutes with him, she thought longingly. Not nearly enough, but she would take what she could get.

  “Fine. I saw some very interesting programs.”

  “So you won’t know until March where you’ll end up?”

  He shook his head. “I have to turn in my list, arranged by preference, in a couple of weeks. The match will be made from that list.”

  “Have you decided on your first choice yet?”

  “I’m still making up my mind.”

  “I see.” She struggled to see any hint of his thoughts in his shuttered eyes. Was it hard for him to leave her this time? Was he hoping she would ask him to stay? Had he missed her at all during the past ten weeks and three days?

  Growing frustrated with the futile effort, she finally decided to ask outright, “How are you, James? Is everything going well for you?”

  A m
uscle clenched in his cheek, and her breath caught. There had definitely been…something in his expression.

  Whatever it was didn’t affect his voice when he replied, “I’m fine. My rotations went well. I got pretty decent evaluations, actually—even in my communications skills.”

  She wanted to believe she’d had at least a little to do with that, though she didn’t know if James would agree. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks. I did listen when you offered tips,” he surprised her by adding, as if he’d heard her thoughts. “I’ve been working on that ‘doctor face’ that people seem to find too intimidating.”

  She took a step closer to him, her gaze locked with his. “That’s great. But there’s something else. Something that’s bothering you.”

  She sensed it now in the same way she’d once guessed she’d hurt his feelings with a throwaway comment about him making her nervous. Something was causing James pain. He was trying to hide it, but she detected just a hint of a crack in his emotional veneer. “What’s wrong?”

  He hesitated a few moments and she thought she might have surprised him with the insight—as she had startled him when she’d read him that first time. And then he glanced down at his empty hands and admitted, “I have been sort of down this week. My cousin died a couple of days after Christmas. Pneumonia. It took her very quickly.”

  Her chest clenched painfully. “Oh, James. Kelly passed away? I’m so sorry—for you and for your poor aunt.”

  He nodded. “We’d been braced for this for a while. Kelly’s health has been very fragile for the past year. But…well, it’s hard to say goodbye. Hard for a doctor to admit there was nothing more that could have been done.”

  “How is your aunt?”

  “She’s doing as well as can be expected. She’s spending a few days in Fayetteville with my parents. Mom’s been very supportive of her sister through this ordeal and even Dad has been surprisingly sympathetic. He and my aunt aren’t exactly buddies still, but he’s staying out of the way for a few days so she can spend time with Mom.”

  “I’m glad they have each other.” But who did James have? She rested a hand on his arm and repeated, “I’m so sorry.”

  “Thanks, Shannon.” Only the faintest of husky undertone gave a clue to his emotions. He shifted his weight toward the door again. “I guess I’d better—”

  Her fingers tightened on his arm. “James. Why did you come here tonight?”

  His brows twitched downward for only a moment before he replied, “I told you. I saw the newspaper article and I wanted to congratulate you. And to give you the scarf.”

  She shook her head and inched a bit closer to him so she could look him straight in the eyes. “Why did you come here tonight?” she repeated.

  “I—well, I guess I just wanted to see you.”

  “Why?”

  He moistened his lips, looking more uncertain than she had ever seen him. “I’ve missed you,” he said simply.

  “You could have called.”

  “I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear from me.”

  “No, that doesn’t cut it. Why did you come here tonight?”

  She knew she was badgering him and that he wasn’t sure what she wanted, but she couldn’t seem to stop. If James walked away now, it really would be over between them. But even more importantly, she sensed that if he left now, if he buried his feelings again this time the way he always had, he would never break through the emotional barriers his parents had built around him. He had so much to give, so much potential behind those rigid walls—but if he didn’t find a way around them, she was afraid he would end up alone and unhappy.

  She supposed he could find someone like his parents, someone who would be content to live the way they did, engaging their intellects while suppressing their feelings, feeding their brains and starving their hearts. She couldn’t bear the thought of James giving up and doing the same. He had admitted more than once that he had tried very hard not to be like his parents, despite his fondness of them.

  She looked fixedly up at him, willing him to communicate with her. To truly connect with her.

  And suddenly, it was as if the curtains lowered for only a moment behind the dark surfaces of his eyes, giving her a brief look at what lay behind. The glimpse of pain, of isolation and loneliness broke her heart.

  “I needed you,” he said simply.

  He wasn’t the only one who had to accept some hard facts, she realized abruptly. She had made some foolish mistakes herself. She’d been so stubborn in insisting she didn’t need anyone in her life that she had been completely blind to the fact that maybe James had needed her. And that just maybe she needed to be needed.

  “I’m sorry,” he said with a slight shake of his head. “I shouldn’t have—”

  Rising onto her tiptoes, she wrapped her arms around him, clinging tightly. After only a moment, his own arms went around her and he buried his face in her hair.

  “I’m so sorry you’re hurting,” she murmured into his ear. “I know you’re sad.”

  He nodded into her hair, his face still hidden from her. “I just wish there had been something I could have done for her,” he muttered. “My aunt called me, begged me to come. All this training, all this education—and she still slipped away with me and two other doctors standing right there beside her bed.”

  She blinked back a surge of hot tears, knowing this wasn’t the time to shed them. “You won’t be able to save them all, James. You know that intellectually. Now you have to accept it emotionally.”

  He nodded again.

  “It hurts you so badly this time because she was your cousin and you loved her,” she added quietly. “You’ll be an even better doctor because now you’ll understand how your patients’ families feel. You’ll never again see your patients as challenging puzzles or interesting medical cases. You’ll see their hope and their fear and you’ll remember Kelly. You’ll empathize with the people who place their trust in you and they’ll find reassurance in your caring. And for all of those you save, you’ll understand exactly how much suffering you prevented because you chose to put your knowledge and your skills into practice.”

  Her vision was still blurred by a film of liquid when she drew back a little to look at him. His eyes were dry, but still seething with his grief and frustration. “You’ll be such a wonderful doctor, James.”

  He drew a long, deep breath, his eyes slowly clearing. But maybe they weren’t quite as shuttered as they usually were? Maybe he was letting her see just a little more of his thoughts, whether intentionally or because he was too weary to hide them completely?

  “I didn’t mean to burden you with this tonight,” he muttered, pushing a hand through his hair.

  “I’m sure your parents are brilliant people, James, but they’re full of beans in some ways.”

  One corner of his mouth twitched in a the faintest semblance of a smile in response to the apparent non sequitur. “I know.”

  “No matter what they’ve told you all your life, there is no shame in expressing your sadness about losing your cousin. Nor in turning to someone else for comfort in that grief. Maybe they’ve coming around to that realization by offering their home to your aunt at this time. Or maybe not, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep pretending that nothing in life affects you on more than an intellectual level. It isn’t a sign of weakness to admit that you have feelings. That you have needs.”

  After what might have been a brief, internal struggle, he said in a low voice, “I need you, Shannon. More than my next breath. I haven’t felt really alive since you sent me away. I kept trying to convince myself that you were better off without me—and vice versa, perhaps—but I never stopped missing you and wanting to be with you.”

  “I was an idiot,” she admitted, her heart clenching in both nerves and joy. “I panicked after that stilted brunch with your brilliant, reserved parents. I was afraid you’d start expecting me to be like them—and I knew I just couldn’t.”

  “I don�
�t even want to be like them,” he said forcefully. “I love them—they’re my parents, Shannon. My family. But I don’t want to be them. I thought you sent me away because you’d grown bored with me. Because my family and I were too dull and uninteresting in comparison to your colorful family.”

  She nearly choked. “Bored? With you? I can’t see that ever happening, James. It would take a lifetime just to get to know everything there is to learn about you.”

  “I feel the same way about you,” he said, pulling her toward him again. “And I’ve always enjoyed the learning process,” he added in an attempt at a joke.

  She held him off for a moment. “I’m crazy about you,” she said candidly. “I have been from the start, as terrifying and ill-fated as it seemed. But—”

  “But you want to be your own person. To run your own life. To make your own decisions.”

  “Well, yes, but—”

  “You don’t want to change who you are for me or anyone else.”

  “Right. But—”

  “You need—”

  “James. Let me talk. You sound like a Gambill.”

  He looked rather pleased by the comparison, even though she had not meant it entirely as a compliment. “What do you want to say?”

  “I was just going to say, I don’t want to rush into anything,” she replied somberly. “I’m crazy about you—but I want to take it slowly and make sure we do this right. I’ve failed at relationships before. I can’t bear the thought of failing with you.”

  “We’ll take it slowly,” he promised, his lips hovering over hers. “I can already predict it’s going to get complicated. Just promise me you won’t give up on me again.”

  She locked her arms around his neck, pressing full length against him as she rose on tiptoe to close the slight gap between them. “I won’t give up on us,” she whispered against his lips.

  He expressed his satisfaction with a long, thorough kiss.

  For once, he was almost completely open to her. She felt the sadness in him. The uncertainty and the fears. The relief, the hopeful joy. He would lock those emotions away again soon. That was just who he was, she thought, and she didn’t want to change him, really, any more than she could change to please him. But perhaps he had just given her the key to unlocking his feelings when she needed him to share.